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That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.