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Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!