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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?