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Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
"May the 4th" be with you!
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!