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Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
hell yeah !!!! i was the lucky sperm !!!!!
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?