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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.