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I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.