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I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...