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Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
Don`t waste my timeline.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
I have heard of women that aren`t crazy, but I`ve also heard of Unicorns.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?