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I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.