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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Iād drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies