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I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?