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7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”