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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?