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It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.