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If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.