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My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?