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Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )