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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
There`s no WE in pizza.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"