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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".