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I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.