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Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.