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Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They`ve obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
Time is precious ... waste it wisely!
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.