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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.