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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Mondays should start at noon.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.