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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.