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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.