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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.