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A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.