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I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.