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Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?