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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them