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real eyes realize real lies
I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....