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My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?