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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance