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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
Serving size ?? LMAO
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!