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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
I need more people like me in my life
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.