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People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming