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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out