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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.