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I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?