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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.