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Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
The only dates I get are updates.
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!