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I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.