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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...