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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.