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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.