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It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."