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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.