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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
Facebook is like Chinese food. When you think you had enough, you want more.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.