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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Comment if you think I`m normal... Like this if you think I`m crazy... Copy this if you know your crazy too! And if your me... OMG TURKEY SQUIRREL! :)
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.