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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.