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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.