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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I put the pro in inappropriate.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"