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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert