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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?