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Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.