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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape