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I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.