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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing