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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.