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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
it`s friday o clock
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.