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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?