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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.