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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?