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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs..... But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
My memory foam has amnesia
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?