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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.