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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.