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I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?