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Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, scratch between my butt cheeks....I`m in public.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!