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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"