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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.