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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.