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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.