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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.