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Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
i never said i knew what i was doing, i said i was going to do it anyway :)
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`