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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.