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I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
sleep is for people without netflix
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis