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"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what Iām doing.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
I fake my lol`s