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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
Mondays are middle finger approved
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about