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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.