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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.