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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.