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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!