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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...