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Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.