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If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…