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I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.