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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
Wanna have a little fun? Post "Anyone know a good lawyer?" Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…