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Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
Word for the day is asstard
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.