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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...