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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
is 100% sure that you are looking at my status. (:
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :) - LOL
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.