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In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.