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Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.