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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
My house has really let itself go.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.