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I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.