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Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?