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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?