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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store