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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
i havnt seen any status`s about ninjas lately.... well played ninjas
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.