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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??