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Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?