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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..