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There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
Take me seriously at your own risk.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people