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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
I’m tired of things costing money.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."