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Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.